The Six Girls You’ll Date in College

– This is you in college, and these are the six
girls you’ll date in college. Were you ever good at sports? We don’t know, but the daily 4 AM
burritos haven’t helped. – Aah! Oh.
– You okay? – She looks better in track shorts than literally anything else.
– Come on, baby. You can do it! Ten more yards till touchdown!
– However, no matter what the activity, you’ll always end up the same way: wheezing, doughy, and begging her to slow down. You hate places like this. Never mind. You love places like this.
– I love places like this. – Your friend’s a promoter or DJ, whichever is cooler.
– You’re funny.
– Is there a non-alphabetical difference between E and X? Cut to six weeks later. You’re out of money, too tired, and have no idea what your pants are
made of.
– Wake up. I know the bouncer at Prolapse.
– You wouldn’t give up this nap for all the coked-up sex in the world. Happy dinosaur riding. – Sorry. – Face it. You’re a nice guy.
– Did do you drink all of those beers? – But to her, you’re James Dean with Wolverine claws. It’s fun to play the crazy guy, but
there’s no crazy like real repressed crazy.
– Not tonight? – No.
– Fine.
– The worst part? She’s still going to wake you up for 8 a.m. mass. This is it, the perfect 10, what years of television, print advertising, and internet porn have
taught you–
– Baby, you’re not using the couples wallpaper I gave you. – Why you? She saw a Wes Anderson trailer once and thinks you’re quirky. Who cares? Look at her. How long will it
last? What’s your talents for crippling insecurities and Kesha? You watched Teen Mom without me? You’re just like my dad!
– You’ll keep a picture of her to show to friends. She will not. She’s the only girl who can beat you in Mario Kart. She’s the only girl who will play you in Mario Kart. – Ha, you drive like my floppy vagina!
– Shut up! – Relaxed, comfortable, always by your side. It’s like dating your hoodie, but who in their right mind would want to f–k their hoodie? She’s funny, smart, beautiful, and all you’re doing is wondering what she’s doing there with you. – Is everything okay?
– Yeah.
– Come on. Be confident. You’re not going to mess this up. You won’t mess this up. You won’t mess this up. How did you mess this up?
– We can still be friends, right?
– You were too afraid of messing things up. And that messed things up. Maybe that’s irony. Don’t look at us. You’re the one with a liberal arts degree. That was college. Time to move out, get a job, and spend your days watching internet videos. Maybe you’ll even get a real girlfriend.

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