Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those subjects. But there are other unpleasant things no one wants to talk about, because they would otherwise receive too much attention. Nevertheless, they are so relevant, that we actually must talk about them. It’s not about the “Fuck you Goethe” musical: “Fuck you Goethe – ze Musical” Finally, a musical for everyone who isn’t intelligent enough for “Cats”! No, I’m talking about a different terrifying modern phenomenon: trolls! He’s not a troll. He’s a case for the new Bavarian psychiatry law. The trolls I’m talking about …are mostly younger men. Like these here: And when you see these two men, please erase both of their miserable faces directly from your hypothalamus and instead remember these here: Pepe the frog and the troll face. The mascots for sad boys who sit in their childhood bedroom, have already jerked through every Pornhub video, and so out of boredom send their time shitting all over internet comment sections. If I as a celebrity walk through the door of the Internet, I have to constantly be careful not to step in troll shit. Böhmermann is a rascal, he doesn’t know his limits. One day he’ll wake up with a knife in is back. But I’m not entirely sure whether that didn’t come the last email the ZDF program director wrote. Just once I’d like to socratize this public broadcasting system buffoon’s root chakra with a horse dildo. Horse lover, miracle healer, and philospher all in one – a multi-talent! Trolls can do a lot. Some can even use iMovie and edit videos. The guy earns… sticks half a million euros of your money every year in his pocket. And you believe it, that this small Antifa toad who always so happily shows off for the little guy. That this antifa toad would live in this house? No, Böhmermann! Jan Böhmermann lives in a private house! I live in a private house.
You got me. False! Counterstatement: my house is not private, but rather it’s owned by the BRD GmbH and, precisely speaking, isn’t a house, but rather a property. There’s no category for it on RealEstateScout24 or whatever it is you normal people use. And a half million Euro? I mean, really – for that I wouldn’t even open up my laptop. Who are these furious people who use their valuable freetime to calculate my salary? Trolls were originally just troublemakers on the Internet with the ultimate goal of annoying other people. Okay, that’s not really anything special. It’s just like in real life. There, too, there are complete idiots, who get on other people’s nerves, for fun and irritate people. Hang on, one’s missing! They’re in real life too. For entertainment! It only becomes problematic when the uninhibited pains in the neck come together and develop a group identity. And, if it stops being about getting drunk or pulling pranks, and instead becomes a political agenda. When it comes to trolls in the Internet, it’s like Jurassic Park. At first, dinosaurs were fun and interesting, until at some point they developed a group identity and suddenly had a political agenda: to kill people. The dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, by the way, went crazy because they had frog genes spliced into their DNA. And on the Internet it works almost exactly the same way. Every day, extinct monsters meet with mutated frogs And then it can get a little bit dangerous! By systematically spreading insults and lies, these troll-campaigns partially influence the course of politics in favor of right-wing populist parties. They have become the weapon of the new right movement on the Internet. And the largest of these “new right troll groups” is called: Reconquista Germanica! Hello boys! We’ve known each other for months only online. Finally in person! Good evening! An organization with a logo that looks like four snapped off penises and a geometry triangle! The worst Bluetooth connection one might think.
in the world… But above all, this symbol is a variation on a Nazi rune like the one used by the SS. Reconquista Germanica was – what a coincidence – founded right before the last parliamentary election and counts at its peak times up to 6000 “people” in its ranks. Compared with the millions of people on the Internet, that doesn’t sound like much. But, as we all know, even the happiest majority loses its good mood when a few assholes are misbehaving. We know this from when someone lets out a kebap-flavored fart in a crowded elevator. Or from the last family party. Ah, Tatiana’s communion was so nice, but the coffee somehow tasted like Uncle Werner’s penis. Apropros – Reconquista Germanica describes itself as “a satirical Internet project with no basis in reality”. It sounds like a description of Veronica Ferres’s Twitter account. But in fact, it is Germany’s largest right-wing troll factory. And with this recruitment video, the ringleader, under the pseudonym “Nikolai Alexander”, tries to win over more and more comedy authors for his “satirical Internet project with no basis in reality”: We now have a Germany-wide network of meetups, regional groups, and activity groups which, if today an order were to go out, already tomorrow could step into action. Anytime and anywhere. From national to liberal, we have patriotic powers united with us. Among them many YouTubers and celebrities from the opposition. At first glance, better organized then the ZDF! But who are these comedians that participate in the large satire project “Reconquista Germanica”? Fortunately, with a little searching, you can find YouTube videos in which these man-child fascists actually show their faces. This is no longer Germany. This is Little Istanbul or something. Or Little Nigeria inside of Germany. Where do we even live? The Christmas markets look like the outer borders are supposed to look, right? What kind of nasty shit is this in our country? Get your steel helmets? Masks and steel helmets are the most important. It just doesn’t work without them! HAHAHAHAHA. That is satire with taste! Masks and steel helmets! That is funny, because it has no basis in reality. Well, to the reality of non-fasicsts and non-Nazis. Hey, “Nikolai Alexander” and your brothers-in-arms, I have a little question. Where were you on New Year’s? You were probably punctually at the Reconquista hangout at midnight saving our German women from the refugees with a coordinated group masturbation. It is actually true. While normal people go to work or grill out when the weather’s nice, somewhere in the German province, 6000 forgotten sons sit with steel helmets and knit socks on their shrunken heads in front of their webcams and wait “for Nikolai Alexander” to send marching orders to [[email protected]] In an app called Discord! Discord was actually conceptualized for gamers, so that they could more effectively organize their multiplayer online games. For older viewers: it’s something like Skype, only, you don’t use it to show your grandma in the nursing home her spoiled great-grandchild but rather to join 30 other level-100 Blood Elves in the battle for Azeroth. “Reconquista Germanica”, however, misuses this Discord app to instead lead an army of computer-fascists in the “Information war” against the “old parties” and the “lying press” . And this indeed in the real world! Our colleagues from FUNK, in their very good documentary “Erase yourself”, which is now – available online at Rayk Anders’s YouTube channel, explains more clearly how it works. The internal organization chart of the group shows: the 6000 right-wing activists organize themselves under a strict hierarchy within Reconquista Germanica. Translated: Re-conquest of Germany. Every day there are orders. Indicating what should be attacked. Announced by “high command”. Awaiting orders, Mr. Commandant! What is your command? In social media and commentary columns the trolls attack minorities, journalists, and politicians with memes and hate campaigns. To do this they establish massive quantities of fake accounts to influence the algorithms and to suggest to social media that a very large majority thinks that way. And so they manage to get hashtags and topics on social media.
to trend That is my kind of satire. There is even an elaborate handbook that explains how the “re-conquest of Germany” over the Internet will function. How do you enrage your opponents? How do you create fake accounts? Everything is summarzied in detail. The means:
insults, troll the fuck out of them. Popular targets: young women recently out of university. And: family is often a weakness. Whew, lucky I’m a single, childless college dropout. Right? Follow/Like the accounts (and/or infiltrate the forums) of all parties, especially the Greens, famous feminists, government lackeys like Till Schweiger or Böhmermann and all government propaganda press. Wait. My name is in the Internet fascist handbook? Me, a celebrity! I’m a celebrity! What can I say? Nazis think I’m a real celebrity! Like Heinz Rühmann! A friend, a good friend… and to really troll the fuck out of us government lackeys and Merkel-marionettes, Reconquista Germanica has along with their comedy authors also few talented, if not always faithful to the Constitution, visual artists who make memes and GIFs like this. These are images that for some time now have been circulating on the Reconquista channels! But, ladies and gentlemen, you’re right to ask: how did we get all this information from the secret, exclusive Reconquista Germanica Nazi groups? Which pro managed to hack in? Am I already in or what? I’m in! It was easy! No, sorry Boris, getting into the Discord channels of Reconquista Germanica is actually a little bit more complicated. You need to complete a multi-stepped application process. You want to become a private? Yes. I sent you a link, because I want you to retweet it on Twitter, so that I can see that you’re actually you, What does being a patriot mean to you?
you know? What do you think of mass immigration from outside of Europe? Like, for example, the refugee crisis 2015. How do you imagine Germany’s future? You know Martin Sellner and his book. Are you familiar the term “Umvolkung”? What do you consider to be German identity? What is Germany to you? How would you describe German culture? And: “Why are Deutschländer called Deutschländer even though they are actually wieners?” All the questions you have to answer for the Nazis. Unbelievable! Small spoiler: The foxes from FUNK were in fact accepted by Reconquista Germanica after their theoretical Nazi license examination. Bravo! Congratulations! Welcome to the team! Now you’re among the best of society. The members of Reconquista Germanica range from Neonazis and Reich Citizens to Identitarians and AfD members. What? Real AfD members? That’s impossible! They’re a serious party with representation in the Bundestag! They’re not involved in illegal Internet mobbing! And if so, then surely they camouflage it – at least as well as Detlef D Soost did when he played in the Kelly Family for Undercover Boss! Camouflage Detlef. Astounding disguise! If it were to come out that some of the AfD were involved in something so constitutionally hostile… they’d have to disguise themselves really well… I mean, seriously. We speculate: Lars Steinke is also on the Reconquista Server as Lars (young politician). A young AfD official and employee of the state parliament as a right-wing troll? Have you yourself ever participated in the Twitter shitstorms? Occasionally. Sometimes, yes. It’s not anything forbidden. They’re algorithms. You know how they work so it’s possible to do advertisements for a certain direction: for a party, for a movement. And to that effect I find it pretty attractive. In my opinion, that’s the political campaign of the future. It’s also nice and attractive to discover what Lars Steinke’s childhood bedroom of today looks like. And if you look closely in Reconquista Discord that this “Lars (young politician)” listed among his roles “AfD”… that couldn’t be… but… could that be Lars Steinke from the AfD? From the Young Alternative National Association of Lower Saxony? I don’t believe it. He would disguise himself better than that. You did everything right, Mr. Steinke. A small tip, in case someone from the Federal Office for Constitutional Protection is watching right now – fighting right-wing terrorism is, after all, one of your specialties – maybe you should check the Reconquista Germanica channel on Discord if there’s any “Alexander (opposition leader)” or “Alice (Nazi tramp)”. Stop! Don’t clap! This applause could get a lawyer’s attention! That of course was meant satirically, with no basis in reality. Now, you would probably like to hear a little from what the Reconquistas spread as satire online. Throw this vermin finally out of my country! So they can see their camels and goats again! Not bad, Grimme Prize!
Everyone should have one! Why not?
More! “All the poor, young men of military age are putting tears in my eyes. Such a disgusting multiculture propaganda. Don’t take them in, send them home! TV prize! And those are only the relatively G-rated ones that made it through the ZDF legal office. Super! Ladies and gentlemen, guess who is profiting online from this organized hate on the Internet with no basis in reality? Hmm? The Crow Party will make every citizen rich! Yes, all power to the National Crow Party! And I am the president of this party! All power for me! The crows from the AfD and the trolls from Reconquista Germanica have a shared objective: to intimidate normal Internet users, to silence all political opponents by any means necessary, and so to manipulate the political discourse. We did some data analysis and filtered out some Twitter accounts which are clearly trolls from Reconquista Germanica. Here you see how these just under 150 Nazi-troll Twitter accounts are linked with one another. And then we realized: Two-thirds of these Reconquista accounts are strangely linked with Twitter accounts from AfD members. Hmm… Reconquista and AfD… but they have nothing to do with each other! Right? Almost! Of the twenty most-shared hashtags around the time of the parliamentary elections in 2017, seven of them were systematically pushed by Reconquista Germanica into Twitter Trends. Just a few assholes can make a lot of noise! And not only on Twitter: In January, at the London Institute for Strategic Dialogue, the IT expert Philip Kreissel evaluated hundreds of discussions under Facebook articles of large newspapers and broadcasters and discovered the following: When it comes to hate comments, 5% of accounts are responsible for 50% of the likes. In this way, these accounts hold a kind of monopoly on hate comments in comment sections. And this leads of course to a distortion of the perception of political discourse. And in the end THESE morons feel affirmed in their ideology. And – even worse – these morons start thinking about whether maybe it is in fact a good idea to vote for the AfD for a change. And all this because on Discord, the High Commander promises his fascist geeks stuff like this: Reconquista Germanica, this is not just a name anymore. Reconquista Germanica is a movement and a force to be reckoned with. In other words: What the far-right is doing ont he Internet has nothing to do with political advertisements or political discourse. It is organized incitement of the people,
targeted intimidation tactics, and manipulation by illegal means. And because the German law enforcement agencies have such slow Internet, we, the professional satirists, need to confront the amateur satirists with a force they will have to reckon with in the future.
of Reconquista Germanica And so for a half hour I locked myself in my YouTube room and went ahead and opened a Discord channel. Because if anyone has the authority to mobilize a bunch of sunlight-fearing, constant masturbators sitting in front of a screen, then that remains me. And here comes the official call! Could I please have a little music for this? I, Commandant Wanklord Halflimp from Onanista Germanica, Commander-in-Chief with the secret pseudonym “Jan (young television moderator)” hereby give you orders in the name of democracy and social harmony, which you shall please fulfill with military precision! Join Reconquista Internet! We are the wankers who spoil the fun on the Internet for the wankers who spoil the fun on the Internet! Come join our secret Discord channel! At Reconquista Internet we publish information that Reconquista Germanica does not want to have published.
For example, a list of the pseudonyms, Facebook accounts, and Twitter handles of real members of Reconquista Germanica, with which you can do whatever you want: block, contact,
shower with love! They’re only simple algorithms, after all. It’s just the Internet. It’s the present, it’s the future,
that’s how it works, it doesn’t mean anything! Maybe we are also publishing on Reconquista Internet the fake IP addresses of the Internet nazis and the proxy servers they use to conceal their real IP addresses. Maybe my comrades have also already given this list to the police, the head prosecutor of Düsseldorf, and the Federal Office for the Protection of the Constitution. Maybe we, together with Google and YouTube, are also monitoring, starting immediately, the comments under this video and evaluating them. This is your chance to make it big, Nikolai Alexander! Everyone who follows the strict rules of this secret manifesto may join Reconquista Internet! I hereby promise: there will be regular, hours-long speeches and insane motivational monologues held by me personally. The inaugural speech will be held on Labor Day, the first of May. When the people in Chemnitz are out on the street against the nazis. So, on Tuesday at five to twelve. At night. Because time is running out! Five to twelve at night. Until then you have time to register with Reconquista Internet. Simply follow the link I’m posting now on Twitter. And not over the official ZDF-channels. I’m not stupid, then everyone would know. Rather over my own Twitter account. It only has 2.1 million followers. There you’ll find everything you need to register and everything. This is our logo! My first order is: watch the “Erase Yourself” documentary on the Rayk Anders channel! If only every hundredth viewer joins, then we have 1000 times more people than the fucking nazis. Don’t worry, dear lawyers. This is not vigilantism. It’s just a gigantic satirical Internet project – with no basis in reality.